How to take a (small) step closer to the dark side for more assertiveness and self-compassion

The reconstructed self doesn’t take any crap.

“Assertion is a common after-effect of medicine work,” says Dr Lafrance coyly, in her eye-opening lecture to Vital students on hw psychedelic therapy goes down in the real.

Like the article says over in the Approach section of Zine #17 here, Dr Lafrance says therapists see two secondary emotions most commonly in the field.

“Empowerment skills, when they’ve perhaps not been done before, are usually too mousey… or too much”

Those two feelings she hears about the most are sadness, as one might expect from the depressed, and rage.

“Anger is a challenge for many people,” says Dr Lafrance, “but not all anger is destructive. There is healthy anger.”

This more righteous kind of fury can often be confused, shall we say, with assertiveness.

“Culturally we really struggle,” comments Dr Lafrance, “I’ve been in therapy for 20 years working on my capacity for anger, standing up for myself, and asking what I need.”

The rage-fuelled are shying away from vulnerability according to emotion focussed therapy, and it “shows up as these problematic reactions that fuel expression of symptoms,” says the clinical psychologist, somewhat eupehmistically.

“Empowerment skills, when they’ve perhaps not been done before, are usually too ‘mousey’, or too much,” explains the blonde boffin, “plus the most predictable reaction to unexpected criticism is defensiveness.”

Dr Lafrance provides scripted frameworks for the budding bearish buccaneer.

“I always assume user error. You know, because it helps me to cultivate more sophisticated skill”

She’s kind enough to share one with Vital students during the post-lecture Q&A, when I ask about help with my own fermenting… assertiveness.

“I always assume user error. You know, because it helps me to cultivate more sophisticated skill,” she advises. 

“If I'm expressing assertion, especially if it’s in a relationship where it’s kind of a novel experience, and it doesn't go well… then I ask myself: ‘What am I doing or not doing to contribute to this problem?’” 

That’s how she hit on the idea of detailled advice for pateints fumbling their way into self-confidence.

“I was encouraging people to express assertion, and it's not going well. So then I, as a therapist, asked myself ‘How did I contribute to that?’ Like, ‘Oh, shit, we didn't warn them.’ So I wrote, I wrote the script now that I give to all the clients.”

And it goes a little something like this:

‘I realised that I don't always say or tell the truth about how I feel. Or about what I need. It's hurting me.

And I realise that makes it so that I'm not always honest in relationships. Because I'm scared that I'll lose people important to me. Including you.

“Not all anger is destructive. There is healthy anger”

I really want to make a change in this way. I want to be more honest. And I want to have more faith.

Faith that heart-centered motivation is there at the forefront. And faith that this relationship can sustain the changes that are required for it to evolve. 

Would it be okay, if I started, in this relationship, being more honest about the things that hurt?

Or the things that anger me? Knowing that it's really because I want to find a new normal that will serve us both?’

You might as well give it a go, you’ve tried evrything else. Could avoid an ‘Iatrogenic’ – therapist-induced – divorce.